


Once Upon A Spaceball

by Arandil



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV), Spaceballs (1987)
Genre: Crossover, F/M, Gen, appearances by other characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-04
Updated: 2014-04-08
Packaged: 2018-01-11 03:38:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1168214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arandil/pseuds/Arandil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once Upon A Time in the style of Spaceballs. And by "in the style of" I mean "totally ripped off." Starring Emma Swan as the princess on the run (with son in tow) from her wedding. Pursued by the Evil Queen, she is rescued by one ruggedly handsome pirate and his fairy first mate. Along the way they learn about life and love, that all magic comes with a price, and Pan never fails.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Once upon a time warp. . . ._  
  
 _In an Enchanted Forest very, very, very, very, far away, there lived two queens . . .Cora, The Queen of Hearts, and Regina, The Evil Queen, who were, incidentally, mother and daughter._  
  
 _Chapter Eleven_  
  
 _The Evil Queen of the Enchanted Forest, having foolishly confided a secret in the Worst Secret Keeper Ever (honestly, Snow is – she’s got the coffee cup to prove it), which resulted in the death of her True Love, has devised a secret curse to take every inhabitant away from their peace-loving homes and drop them into small-town hell: Storybrooke._  
  
 _Today is Princess Emma’s wedding day. Unbeknownst to the princess, but knowest to us, danger lurks in the forest. . ._

* * *

_FOREST - DAY - EVIL REGAL 1 – Regina’s Royal Carriage – passes by at a slow speed. It takes the carriage about two minutes to pass. On the back of the carriage is a bumper sticker that says, "YOUR HEART IS  MINE."_

_Internal Castle of Regina. Claude the Expendable Red Shirt and Graham the Hottie Huntsman_

CLAUDE Hottie Huntsman.

GRAHAM What is it, Claude?

CLAUDE You told me to let you know the moment Her Majesty’s carriage was in sight, sir.

GRAHAM So.

CLAUDE Her Majesty’s carriage is in sight, sir.

GRAHAM You're really a Red Shirt. You know that, don't you?

CLAUDE Thanks, sir.

GRAHAM No, that wasn’t a… (shakes head) Have you notified the Queen of Hearts?

CLAUDE Yes, sir. I took the liberty. She's on her way.

VOICE (O.S.) Make way for Queen Regina.

GRAHAM All rise in the presence of Queen Regina.

_A door opens revealing REGINA, she resembles the Evil Queen from Snow White, walking toward camera. She stops in front of camera, and is having trouble breathing with the intricate corset she is wearing._

REGINA (rips corset off) I can't breathe in this thing.

GRAHAM Princess Emma’s wedding is beginning, ma’am.

REGINA Good. I'll call Wonderland, and notify my mother immediately.

CLAUDE I already called her, ma’am. She knows everything.

REGINA What? You went over my head?

CLAUDE Well, not exactly over it, ma’am. More on the side. I'll always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never, ever!

_REGINA extends her arm towards Claude, her hand forming a ‘C’ as if she were about to choke him_

CLAUDE Oh shit! No, no, no, no, no, please, no, no, please, no, not that. (covers his neck)

REGINA  Yes. That. (shoves her hand into his chest, rips out his heart and squeezes it).

CLAUDE Whaoooooooo! Owwwwwwwwww!

_GUARDS take him away._

_REGINA sticks the heart it in her satchel to put in her vault later._

REGINA Huntsman.

GRAHAM (covers his heart) Ma’am?

REGINA I don't see the wedding. Where is it?

GRAHAM We don't have visual contact, ma’am, but we have it in the magic mirror. Shall I pull it up for you?

REGINA Na, nevermind. I'll do it myself.

_REGINA and GRAHAM walk to the magic mirror. REGINA stops in front of the coffee maker._

GRAHAM Very good, ma’am.

REGINA What's the matter with this thing? What's all that churning and bubbling? You call that a magic mirror.

GRAHAM No, ma’am. We call it, "Mr. Coffee." (points at label, "Mr. Coffee") Care for some?

REGINA Yes! I always have coffee when I look in the mirror. You know that.

GRAHAM Of course I do, ma’am.

REGINA Everybody knows that.

EVERYBODY (covers their hearts) Of course we do, ma’am.

REGINA (takes coffee) Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to see the mirror. Where is it?

GRAHAM (points to label "Magic Mirror") Right here, ma’am.

REGINA Switch to teleview.

_GRAHAM changes to a picture of Charming and Snow’s palace._

REGINA There it is, the Charming’s palace. Those two idiots have no idea what’s coming.

GRAHAM Yes, your majesty. Once the we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, Charming, to give us the combination to the magic shield with which they’ve surrounded themselves. Thereby gaining access and leaving them vulnerable to your newest curse.

REGINA (Looks at audience). Everybody got that? Good! When will the princess be married?

GRAHAM Within the hour, ma’am.

REGINA Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon. (takes a drink of coffee) Mmmmmmm, mmmmmm, mmmmmm.

_GRAHAM hits her back. REGINA spits out coffee._

REGINA Hot! Too hot!

_SNOW & CHARMING’S CASTLE - EXT. CHAPEL - DAY Sign reads, "Today, the Royal Wedding of Princess Emma to Prince Neal. Tomorrow, Bingo."_

_INT. CHAPEL - DAY - GRUMPY is fixing something on PRINCE CHARMING’S outfit. PRINCESS EMMA is pacing._

CHARMING Oh, if only your mother were alive to see this day.

SNOW What?

CHARMING (looks confused) Oh; there you are. All right, is everyone ready?

GRUMPY Yes, your majesty.

EMMA No! Where's my kid of honor?

GRUMPY Oh yeah. Where's Henry? Henry? Oh, good. Where've you been?

HENRY Here I am. I'm sorry. I had to find a good place to hide my fairytale book.

GRUMPY All right, people. Time to do this.

CHARMING All right, everyone, starting on the left foot. (puts his right foot out)

EMMA Daddy that's your right foot.

CHARMING It's too late. Keep going.

_They start walking down the aisle. The organ is playing "Here Comes the Bride."_

EMMA (stops) Daddy.

_Organ player stops._

EMMA Must I go through with this?

CHARMING I'm sorry, my dear, you have to.

_They start walking again. The organ starts up again._

EMMA (stops) But, daddy.

_Organ stops again._

EMMA I don't love him.

CHARMING I'm sorry, EMMA, he's the last prince left in the realm.

_NEAL yawns. They reach the altar._

FRIAR TUCK Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this most joyous occasion, to witness Princess Emma, daughter of Prince Charming....

_EMMA starts running toward the door, while Henry is chasing behind._

FRIAR TUCK....going right past the altar, heading down the ramp, and out the door.

CHARMING Stop her! Someone, stop her! Stop her!

_EXT. CHAPEL - DAY EMMA and HENRY come out of the chapel. They head for the getaway carriage._

HENRY Hey wait! You forgot to get married. Will you stop?

_They get to the carriage. EMMA opens the door._

HENRY What are you doing?

EMMA (pushes Henry into the getaway carriage) No questions, Henry. Get in.

_Everyone else comes out of the chapel._

CHARMING What is she doing? Where is she going?

_Emma jumps on the front and grabs the reins. The carriage takes off toward the forest._

NEAL Come baaaaack! (yawns while saying back)

_INT. JOLLY ROGER The Jolly Roger is a Pirate Ship with wheels, sort of like those duck tour busses you see in some cities. TINKERBELL is eating ice cream and dancing to music. TINKERBELL is a fairy. CAPTAIN HOOK is at the wheel on deck, asleep. CAPTAIN HOOK is drunk. He is a normal human, if normal humans dressed all in leather and had a hook for one hand. "AUTOMATIC PILOT" is flashing. The phone starts ringing._

HOOK (wakes up) Tink. Tink. Tink!

TINKERBELL Huh?

HOOK (O.S) Tink!

TINKERBELL Always when I'm eating.

_TINKERBELL puts down the ice cream, and picks up some Pixie Dust Cookies._

HOOK Tink!

TINKERBELL What can I do you for, captain?

HOOK Where’ve you been, love?

TINKERBELL Oh, just grabbing myself a snack. You want some? (offers a Pixie Dust Cookie to Hook)

HOOK No!

TINKERBELL C'mon.

HOOK Answer that for me. Will you, love?

TINKERBELL Ah, sure. (hits Hook with her wings as she turns)

HOOK Will you watch those things?

TINKERBELL Oh, sorry. I'll just put it on audio. That way they won't see you. (hits the video switch) Yello.

_FELIX appears on the screen. FELIX is a half boy, half man._

FELIX Hello, Captain.

TINKERBELL Sorry, wrong switch.

HOOK Hello, Felix, what do you want?

FELIX No, no, no, no, no. It's not what I want. It's what _he_ wants.

TINKERBELL & HOOK Peter Pan!

_PETER PAN is half man, half boy._

PAN Well, if it isn't Captain Hook, and his side kick, Stink.

TINKERBELL That's Tink.

PAN Tink, Stink, whatever. Where's my money?

HOOK Don't worry, Pan. You'll have it by next week.

PAN No, no. I gotta have it by tomorrow.

HOOK A hundred thousand gold doubloons, by tomorrow? Are you daft?

PAN A hundred thousand? Ha, ha, ha. No way. You forgot late charges, which brings it up to, um, one million gold doubloons.

HOOK A million? That's unfair, mate.

PAN Unfair to the payor, but not to the payee, but you’re gonna pay it, or else.

TINKERBELL Or else what?

PAN Tell 'em, Felix.

FELIX Pan never fails.

PAN Not that, Felix. The other thing.

FELIX Oh. Right. Or else Pan is going to send the shadow for you.

_FELIX & PAN laugh._

FELIX And also, Pan never fails.

PAN Felix, enough with that already. (Screen switches off).

_EXT. EMMA’S CARRIAGE - FOREST EMMA is listening to music in headphones. HENRY climbs up through the window into the front of the carriage._

HENRY Can we talk? Okay, we all know my dad is a huge plot device, but you could've married him for my sake, and then ignored him for the next 25 years.

_EMMA can't hear him._

HENRY Mom, will you turn that thing off?

EMMA What? (takes off the headphones) What is it?

HENRY I was saying, do realize what you've done?

EMMA Yes, and I'm glad. Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad. (puts the headphones back on)

HENRY I wonder if she's glad.

_WONDERLAND, QUEEN’S PALACE - INT. QUEEN OF HEART’S THRONE ROOM - NIGHT - CORA is talking to someone on the phone._

CORA Don't be ridiculous. As Queen of Hearts, I can assure both you and your subjects, that there is absolutely no curse coming to rip you from our land and take you to small town hell. Yes, of course, I've heard the same rumor myself. Thanks for calling, and not reversing the charges. Bye. (hangs up phone) Shithead.

KNAVE OF HEARTS (appears on the wall) Your majesty.

CORA Yes.

KNAVE Your daughter has informed us that Princess Emma is in sight, and Evil Regal 1 is closing in on her.

CORA Good, good.

KNAVE We have both carriages coming up on the magic mirror, ma’am, if you wish to observe.

CORA I'll be there immediately.

KNAVE Shall I have the Rabbit portal you over?

CORA I don't about that Rabbit. Are his portals safe?

KNAVE Oh yes, ma’am. I got portaled twice last night. It was wonderful.

CORA All right, I take a shot at it. What the hell, it works on our spinoff.

KNAVE Rabbit, portal her over.

RABBIT (O.S.) Yes, sir. Immediately, sir.

_A portal opens and CORA gets sucked into it._

_INT. REGINA’S CASTLE - NIGHT - A portal hole appears and CORA pops out of it. Her head is on backwards._

VOICE (O.S.) My goodness, what's happened to her head?

KNAVE It's on backwards.

CORA This is terrible. Do something.

RABBIT I'm sorry, ma’am. There must have been a portal malfunction.

CORA (looks down at herself) Why didn't somebody tell me bustle was so big?

_Everyone else looks and snickers._

RABBIT Hold on, ma’am. I’ll try and reverse the portal. If I’m not too late.

RABBIT (waving his hands in the air) Lock 1, Lock 2, Lock 3, Loch Lomond.

_Another portal opens and CORA gets sucked into it._

_INT. CORA’S PALACE - NIGHT - A portal opens and CORA reappears, back to normal. KNAVE OF HEARTS appears on the wall._

KNAVE Are you all right, your majesty?

CORA Fine, fine, no thanks to you.

KNAVE I’ll have him portal you back, ma’am.

CORA Forget it. Forget it. No more portals. This time I'm gonna use the mirror. (walks through the mirror)

_INT. REGINA’S CASTLE - NIGHT_

CLAUDE Queen of Hearts, Salute.

ALL (salute) Hail Her Majesty!

_CORA nods regally._

JIMINY CRICKET & JEFFERSON Hello, Cora.

CORA Oh, uh. Hello, Jefferson.

JIMINY CRICKET I'm Jiminy.

CORA Hello, Jiminy.

JEFFERSON I'm Jefferson.

CORA Go make a hat. Where's the Princess?

CLAUDE  Right there, ma’am. On the left side of the screen, approaching Evil Regal 1, at fifteen leagues per minute.            

CORA Good, good. She’s almost in our grasp. Tell Regina she must take the Princess alive.

_EXT. EVIL REGAL 1 - FOREST In front of EVIL REGAL 1 is Emma’s carriage._

_INT. EVIL REGAL 1 - FOREST - GRAHAM and REGINA are sitting._

GRAHAM Princess Emma’s carriage is within range, ma’am.

REGINA Good. Fire a warning shot across her nose.

_GRAHAM leans out of the carriage and shoots an arrow that sticks in the back of Emma’s carriage._

_EXT. EMMA’S CARRIAGE - FOREST EMMA takes off the headphones._

EMMA What's going on?

HENRY Either we’ve crossed into Sherwood, or someone’s trying to kill us.

EMMA Hey! I don't have to put up with this. I'm the Savior. (picks up phone)

HENRY What you doing?

EMMA I'm calling your grandpa. 1-800-TRULOVE. (dials the phone)

_INT. EVIL REGAL 1 - FOREST_

REGINA Careful, you idiot. I said across her nose, not up it.

GRAHAM Sorry, ma’am. Doing my best.

REGINA You call yourself a huntsman?

GRAHAM I do, ma’am.

REGINA You know what you have to say in these cases…

GRAHAM I’m an Asshole, your majesty.

REGINA I know that. Say it again.

GRAHAM I am an asshole. Major asshole.

REGINA Of course you are. I'm surrounded by Assholes. Keep firing, asshole.

_EXT. EMMA’S CARRIAGE - EMMA is on the phone._

EMMA Hurry, Daddy, hurry. There are arrows flying all around us. I'm worried for Henry.

_EMMA and HENRY crawl through the window back into the carriage, leaving the horses to run by themselves._

_EXT. JOLLY ROGER - OCEAN_

CHARMING’S VOICE Prince Charming to Captain Hook. Prince Charming to Captain Hook.

Are you there?

_JOLLY ROGER - OCEAN HOOK and TINKERBELL are talking to CHARMING on the phone installed in front by the wheel._

CHARMING Hook, you've got to help me. Please, save my daughter and grandson. They’re being attacked by Regina.

HOOK Regina? Forget it, mate. Too dangerous. Besides, I'm already numero uno on Regina’s hit list.

TINKERBELL Look, your highness, it's not that we're afraid. Far from it. It's just we got this thing about death. It's not us.

CHARMING Please, you must. You're the only ones who can save them. I'll give anything. Did you hear me? Anything.

TINKERBELL Anything?

CHARMING Yes! Anything!

HOOK Okay, we'll do it for a million gold doubloons.

CHARMING A million?

TINKERBELL Whoa, you starting to fade here. We're losing picture, your highness.

CHARMING All right, all right, I'll pay it. Only find them, save them.

HOOK All right, mate, you just made a deal.

TINKERBELL One princess and one little prince for one million spacebucks.

HOOK What is she driving?

CHARMING A brand new, yellow VW bug carriage, 2001 SEL Limited Edition. All leather interior. I got it at a very good price. I paid cash. My brother, Prince James, has a dealership in the valley. He was very nice to me.

HOOK We get the idea. Where were they last seen?

CHARMING She was just passing the dwarf mines.

HOOK We'll find her.

CHARMING Please, bring her back safely. And, if it's all possible, try to save the carriage. (disappears off T.V.)

TINKERBELL One million gold doubloons. We'll be able to pay off Pan.

_HOOK takes a shot of rum from his flask and passes it to TINKERBELL who also drinks._

_EXT. EMMA’S CARRIAGE - FOREST - EVIL REGAL 1 fires an arrow with a long rope that attaches to Emma’s carriage._

EMMA What's happening? What's that pull? We're not moving.

HENRY Oh, we're moving all right, backwards.

_EXT. JOLLY ROGER - FOREST_

HOOK Look, there's our princess. She has company.

TINKERBELL Oh, no, Regina. And she’s already got the princess in by the rope. Oh, well, we're too late. What a shame. I'll just turn her around, and we'll get outta here. (reaches for the wheel)

HOOK (stops her) Tink. No. Bad.

TINKERBELL Oh, what are we doing risking our lives for a runaway princess? I know we need the money...

HOOK Listen, love. We're not just doing this for money.

TINKERBELL  We’re not?

HOOK  No. We're doing it for a bloody lot of money!

TINKERBELL Oh, you're right, and when you're right, you're right, and you, you're always right. Okay, we save her, but how? The minute we move in there, they'll spot us on their magic mirror.

HOOK Uh-uh.

TINKERBELL Uh-huh.

HOOK Uh-uh.

TINKERBELL Uh-huh.

HOOK Uh-uh, not if we cloak them.

TINKERBELL Ah, ha! You're right.

HOOK Open scope.

TINKERBELL Do you really have to say that every time?

_HOOK expands his spyglass and looks through it._

TINKERBELL Regina, about to be cloaked.

_TINKERBELL magically conjures a large black cloak and makes it go flying and crash into EVIL REGAL 1 . She then causes the rope connecting the two carriages to disintegrate._

_EXT. EVIL REGAL 1  - FOREST The carriage has stopped. The DRIVER is trying to figure out the problem._

DRIVER. (he is making the sound effects) Shit. (makes more sound effects and dials phone) Sir? (in microphone)

GRAHAM (Inside the carriage) What is it?

DRIVER. (O.S.) (in microphone) Can I talk to for a minute, please, sir.

_GRAHAM & REGINA (exit the carriage and look up at him)_

GRAHAM Well.

DRIVER. (in microphone) I'm having trouble with the carriage, sir.

GRAHAM You don't need that, Driver, we're right here. (hangs up microphone) Now, what is it?

DRIVER. (in microphone voice) I'm having trouble with the carriage, sir.

REGINA (rips out the microphone-mask up) Now, what is it?

DRIVER. I'm having trouble with the carriage, ma’am.

REGINA What's wrong with it?

DRIVER. I've lost the bumps, I've the lost the jumps, and I've lost the shhhhhhhhwupms.

REGINA The what?

GRAHAM The what?

REGINA And the what?

DRIVER. You know. The bumps, (bounces up and down in seat) the jumps, (bounces really high in his seat) and the shhhhhhhhwupms. (leans from side to side while saying ‘shwump, shwump’)

REGINA (to Graham) That's not all he’s going to lose.

DRIVER. Ma’am. The carriage, ma’am. It appears to be....

_The cloak slides down off the carriage_

DRIVER. ....cloaked.

REGINA Cloaked? There's only one man who would dare to cloak me. Captain Hook!

_CAMERA hits REGINA. REGINA falls backwards._

_INT. EMMA’S CARRIAGE - FOREST - JOLLY ROGER comes next to Emma’s carriage. There's a thump on the carriage._

EMMA What was that?

TINKERBELL knocks on the door.

HENRY Nevermind that. What was that?

_The door opens revealing TINKERBELL smiling._

EMMA & HENRY Ah.

TINKERBELL Hi.

EMMA Who are you?

TINKERBELL Tinkerbell, but you can call me Tink.

HENRY Tink? What are you?

TINKERBELL I'm quite a common fairy.

EMMA What do you want?

TINKERBELL Your father hired Captain Hook and me to save you. C'mon, we gotta hop onto our ship and get outta here.

HENRY Go, hurry, quick, mom, follow the fairy.

EMMA Wait. What about my matched luggage?

_TINKERBELL starts whimpering._

_EXT. JOLLY ROGER - FOREST HOOK looks at TINK as she comes up from below. TINK still has a load of luggage on her._

HOOK Checking in? What the bloody hell is all that?

TINKERBELL (with strap in mouth) It's her royal highness's matched luggage.

HOOK (O.S.) What?

TINKERBELL (takes strap out of mouth) Her royal highness's matched luggage.

HOOK Matched luggage, huh? What does she believe this to be....

_TINKERBELL hits him with her wings._

HOOK ....a princess cruise.

TINKERBELL Well, she wouldn't go without it.

HOOK Oh, is that so? (picks up microphone)

_TINKERBELL hits him again._

HOOK (in microphone) Now hear this, as soon as we get out of here, the first thing we do is dump the matched luggage.

HENRY What was that?

EMMA (turns on intercom) Now you hear this, whoever you are, you will not touch that luggage, and furthermore, I want this pig-sty cleaned up. I will not be rescued in such filth.

HOOK (in microphone) Listen here, lass. Let me tell you how it works on my ship. I make the demands, you follow them. This is my dream boat, darling.

EMMA Darling?

HENRY Uh-oh.

EMMA How dare you speak to me that way. You will address me in the proper manner as your royal highness. I am Princess Emma, daughter of Snow and Charming, product of True Love.

HOOK Wonderful. That's all we needed, the savior on board.

TINKERBELL Funny. She doesn't look like a savior.

_EXT. FOREST – REGINA and GRAHAM approach Emma’s carriage on foot, along with several guards._

REGINA Now, we will show her who is in charge of this realm. (GUARDS extend weapons).

REGINA Hold it. I'll handle this personally.

REGINA So, Princess Emma, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of The Evil Queen. Well, you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and you will held hostage until such time, as I am returned as rightful ruler of the realm.

_REGINA opens the door and looks inside._

REGINA She's not in there.

_ALL drop swords and cover their hearts._

VOICE (O.S.) Carriage repaired, ma’am. And we’ve reports of a quickly retreating pirate ship with wheels.

REGINA Pirate ship?? Captain Hook!

_REGINA bangs on the car. The door closes on her, pushing her inside._

_EXT. JOLLY ROGER - FOREST - EVIL REGAL 1 is following._

HOOK Uh-oh. Here comes the evil queen.

TINKERBELL We'd better get outta here in a hurry.

HOOK Switch to secret Pegasus Sail.

TINKERBELL Switching to secret Pegasus Sail.

HOOK (in microphone) Buckle up down there, we're taking off.

_INT. EVIL REGAL 1 - FOREST - REGINA and GRAHAM are sitting together, watching out the window. JOLLY ROGER is in front of them._

GRAHAM We're closing in on them, ma’am. In less than minute, Captain Hook will be ours.

REGINA Good. Prepare to attack.

GRAHAM Preparing to attack.

REGINA On the count of three. One, two....

_JOLLY ROGER takes off into the sky._

REGINA Late! What happened? Where are they?

GRAHAM I don't know, ma’am. They must have a Pegasus Sail on that thing.

REGINA And what have we got on this thing a Cuisinart?

GRAHAM No, ma’am.

REGINA Well, find them catch them.

GRAHAM Yes, ma’am. (over microphone) Prepare carriage for light speed.

REGINA No, no, no, light speed is too slow.

GRAHAM Light speed, too slow?

REGINA Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed.

GRAHAM (gasp) Ludicrous speed? Ma’am, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if this carriage can take it.

REGINA What's the matter, Huntsman, afraid? Stop acting like a Grahama!

GRAHAM (in high pitch) Prepare carriage, (back to normal) prepare carriage for ludicrous speed. Fasten all seat belts, seal all entrances and exits, warn all forest animals, clear all low-hanging branches, secure all jewels and weapons....

REGINA (takes the microphone) Gimme that you petty excuse for a huntsman.

_GRAHAM sits in his seat and buckles up._

REGINA (in microphone) Now hear this, ludicrous speed....

GRAHAM Your majesty, hadn't you better buckle up?

REGINA Ahh, buckle this. (in microphone) Ludicrous speed, Go!

_The carriage takes off. A display lights up: Light Speed, Ridiculous Speed, and then Ludicrous Speed. REGINA is being pulled back, holding on to the front of the carriage with her hands._

REGINA Whoaaa! What have I done? My brains are going into my feet.

_EXT JOLLY ROGER - SKY - EVIL REGAL 1 shoots by underneath them leaving a plaid shadow._

TINKERBELL What the hell was that?

HOOK That was the Evil Queen.

TINKERBELL They've gone to plaid.


	2. Chapter 2

_INT. EVIL REGAL 1 - FOREST_

REGINA We passed them. Stop this thing.

GRAHAM We can't stop. It's too dangerous. We have to slow down first.

REGINA Bullshit. Just stop this thing. I order you. Stooooop!

_GRAHAM pulls on emergency brake which reads, "Emergency Stop, never use." The carriage stops and REGINA goes flying into the front._

GRAHAM (picks Regina up) Are you all right, your majesty?

REGINA Fine. How've you been?

GRAHAM Fine, ma’am.

REGINA Good.

GRAHAM It's a good thing you had such a high hairstyle.

REGINA Yeah.

GRAHAM What should we do now?

REGINA Well, are we stopped?

GRAHAM We're stopped.

REGINA Good. Well, why don't we take a five minute break.

GRAHAM Very good, ma’am.

REGINA Smoke if you got 'em. (falls forward)

_EXT – JOLLY ROGER - SKY_

HOOK Take down the Pegasus Sail.

TINKERBELL Taking down the Pegasus Sail. (pulls on some ropes. The ship lands in the water) Ah, congrats, captain, we did it. They must have overrshot us by a week and a half.

HOOK (laughs) Okay, let's set a course for Prince Charming’s palace.

TINKERBELL Setting a course for (JOLLY ROGER starts shaking) Pri, ih, ih, ih.

HOOK What's that?

TINKERBELL I don't know. I don't know. We're shaking.

HOOK Why?

TINKERBELL 'Cause there are mermaids beating at our keel!

HOOK Bloody hell!.

TINKERBELL I told you we should've opted for the mermaid repellant!

HOOK Okay, we'll have to dock her somewhere, and fast. Prepare for emergency docking. Quick, give me a reading.

TINKERBELL Ok! (pulls out a book and reads) ”‘If you believe,’ he shouted to them, ‘clap your hands; don’t let Tink die’...”

HOOK Will you stop that? (in microphone) Keep your seat belts fastened back there. You okay, princess.

EMMA No, you idiot. Where'd you learn how to drive?

HOOK Okay, Jolly Roger, coming in to port.

_NEVERLAND - EXT. JOLLY ROGER - OCEAN - DAY Jolly Roger starts heading towards the shore of Neverland. TINKERBELL is panicking._

TINKERBELL Ahh. Port, starboard, I mean starboard. I can never keep those straight!

_They crash into a beach._

_EMMA gets up._

HENRY Where you going?

EMMA I'm going to tell him off once and for all.

HENRY Wwwwwwwait. We'll need him to get us outta here.

HOOK Called me an idiot? I'm going back there and explain a few things to her.

HENRY Besides, he's got a nice voice. He might be cute.

TINKERBELL Yeah, but, you don't know what she looks like.

HOOK I know what she looks like. If you've seen one princess, darling, you've seen them all.

EMMA Cute? I know these pirate bums. They're all alike. Fat, ugly....

HOOK ...simpering, lace encrusted....

EMMA ....rum-swilling, pigs.

HOOK ....frilly, porcelain dolls. (gets up and goes to the back)

TINKERBELL Yeah, well, I normally I'd, (gets up with seat belt still on) ow, that's gonna leave a mark.

EMMA Now listen you.... (she stops short when she sees HOOK)

HOOK You listen, darling. On this ship, you're to refer to me as idiot not you captain. I mean, you know what I mean, lass.

EMMA And you will not call me you. You will never address me as you. You will call me your royal highness.

HOOK You are royal pain in the....

TINKERBELL Whoa, hold it, time.

HOOK & EMMA What?

TINKERBELL May I make a small suggestion? Any minute now, Regina is gonna track us down, head this way, and make us all dead.

HOOK She's right. Let's go.

EMMA Wait. My things.

HOOK Listen, you royal....

TINK Mmmm.

HOOK ....highness. Take only what need to survive.

TINK Yeah…

_NEVERLAND - DAY EMMA is walking with a pistol in her hand. HENRY is following her with a cart. HOOK and TINKERBELL are following with a trunk._

HENRY Please, slow down. My legs are shorter than yours.

TINKERBELL Jeez. I hope she didn't forget anything.

HOOK All right, wait a minute. Tink, put it down. What the bloody hell's in this thing?

_HOOK opens the trunk and pulls out several leather jackets of various colors and styles._

HOOK What's this? I said take only what you need to survive.

EMMA They’re my collection of leather jackets... and I _can't live without them!_

HOOK Okay, princess. That's it. The fairy-tale is over. Welcome to real-life. You want these ridiculous garments, you carry them. (drops them in the sand)

EMMA You pick those up.

HOOK _You_ pick them up.

EMMA How dare you, you insolent pirate. Nobody talks to me that way. Nobody. Nobody. (echoes)

HOOK Well, what have we got here? Will you look at her?

TINK Oooooo.

HOOK Those flashing eyes. Those flushed cheeks. Those trembling lips. You know something princess, you are beautiful, brilliant, amazing when you're angry.

EMMA That’s not the line, Hook.

HOOK  I won’t call you ugly, love.

HENRY Just move on, mom.

EMMA That's it. You and your fairy are f....

TINKERBELL Please, please. Humans, kids, if I may. It's going to be very dark soon, so I suggest we find a place to camp for the night.

HENRY Come on, mom.

_HENRY and EMMA pick up some of the jackets and walk away. HOOK and TINKERBELL walk off with the trunk. They leave the rest of the jackets behind._

HOOK See, it's lighter.

TINKERBELL Oh yeah. This is the best. I could carry two or three of these.

_INT. REGINA’S PALACE - REGINA, GRAHAM and CLAUDE are watching SIDNEY, the magic mirror._

REGINA Have you found them yet?

SIDNEY No, your majesty. They're still not showing up on my magic mirror network.

REGINA Well, keep looking for them. (drinks coffee)

GRAHAM Pardon me, ma’am. I have an idea. Claude, get me the video cassette of Once Upon A Time-the Movie.

CLAUDE Yes, sir.

_CLAUDE walks to a wall labeled, "Mr. Rental." The wall opens. He looks through the selections._

REGINA Huntsman, may I speak with you, please?

GRAHAM Yes, ma’am.

REGINA How could there be a cassette of Once Upon A Time-the Movie. We're still in the middle of making it.

GRAHAM That's true, but there's been a new breakthrough in home-video marketing.

REGINA There has?

GRAHAM Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished.

REGINA  You’re calling _cassettes_ a breakthrough?

GRAHAM  For a realm with no running water, I’d call cassettes an epic breakthrough.

REGINA  Fair enough. I still don’t believe it’s possible before the movie is done filming.

CLAUDE Here it is, sir. Once Upon A Time.

GRAHAM Good work, Claude. Punch it up.

_CLAUDE starts the tape. It starts on the FBI Warning._

GRAHAM Started much too early. Prepare to fast-forward.

CLAUDE Preparing to fast-forward.

GRAHAM Fast-forward.

CLAUDE Fast-forwarding, sir.

_Starts fast-forwarding through the ludicrous speed scene. Regina is thrown into the panel at a high-speed._

REGINA Nnnnno. Go past this, past this part. In fact, never play this again.

GRAHAM Try here. Stop.

_The movie stops at the exact same thing that is actually happening now. REGINA looks at the camera, then she turns back to the monitor. GRAHAM looks at the camera when REGINA looks back at the monitor, then he looks back at the monitor. REGINA looks at the camera when GRAHAM looks back at the monitor. When REGINA turns back, she waves her hand. She turns back to the camera._

REGINA What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?

GRAHAM Now. You're looking at now, your majesty. Everything that happens now, is happening now.

REGINA What happened to then?

GRAHAM We passed then?

REGINA When?

GRAHAM Just now. We're at now, now.

REGINA Go back to then.

GRAHAM When?

REGINA Now.

GRAHAM Now?

REGINA Now.

GRAHAM I can't.

REGINA Why?

GRAHAM We missed it.

REGINA When?

GRAHAM Just now.

REGINA When will then be now?

_CLAUDE rewinds the tape. He stops at the point when HOOK, TINKERBELL, EMMA, and HENRY are walking through the jungle._

GRAHAM Soon.

REGINA How soon?

CLAUDE Your majesty.

REGINA What?

CLAUDE We've identified their location.

REGINA Where?

CLAUDE It's Neverland.

GRAHAM Good work. To the carriage. We’ll set a course for the harbor, and find a ship to take us.

REGINA When?

CLAUDE Nineteen-hundred hours, sir.

GRAHAM By high-noon, tomorrow, they will be our prisoners.

REGINA Whoooooo.

_NEVERLAND JUNGLE - NIGHT - HENRY is sleeping. EMMA is cold and trying to keep warm. HOOK offers her his coat._

EMMA No thank you. I'm perfectly all right.

HOOK Take it, love. It's freezing (puts the jacket on her).

EMMA If you insist. (smells the rum on the coat) Won't you be cold?

HOOK I’m sure you could find ways to warm me up.

EMMA (rolls eyes) I can't seem to find the blue star.

HOOK It's right there.

EMMA Where?

HOOK Right there. (points to a blue star) It's that bright, blue one, right there. See?

EMMA Oh, yeah. But it's so far away. It seems so much closer from my palace.

HOOK Don't worry, love. I'll get you back there.

EMMA So… where’s your home?

HOOK Who knows.

EMMA You don't know where you’re from?

HOOK Not really. I was found on the doorstep of a monastery.

EMMA Monastery? For real?

HOOK Aye. There’s a joke in there somewhere.

EMMA Well, didn't the monks tell you who your parents were?

HOOK Alas, they couldn't. They took a vow of silence. All I got was this.

_He pulls a medallion out from his shirt. It has some type of writing on it._

HOOK It was around my neck.

EMMA What is it?

HOOK I don't know. I've taken it to every wise man in all the realms. No one can tell me what it means.

EMMA It's beautiful. You know I.... It's beautiful.

_HOOK puts the medallion back in his shirt._

HOOK So, why did you run away from your wedding?

EMMA Well, if you must know, I wasn't in love with the groom.

HOOK Why, then, were you going to marry him?

EMMA Because, I'm a princess, and I have to marry a prince.

HOOK Ah, and he doesn't do it for you, huh?

EMMA No, he doesn't _do it_ for me. I really must go back. I shouldn't have run away. I realize, now, that love is one luxury a princess cannot afford.

HOOK Too right, lass.

EMMA I know, now, that I must live without love.

HOOK I suppose so.

EMMA Besides, love isn't that important.

HOOK Naaah, never was.

EMMA I could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without love. (looks at him)

HOOK Sure you could.

EMMA Without physical contact.

HOOK Aye.

EMMA Without being held. (moves closer to him)

HOOK Yeah. (moves in closer and looks at her lips)

EMMA Or kissed.

_EMMA and HOOK are about to kiss when an alarm starts going off. Emma’s phone’s Virgin Alarm is going off._

TINKERBELL (wakes up) Abandon ship. Abandon ship. Women and fairies first.

_HENRY walks over to EMMA and HOOK and hands her phone to her._

SNOW (over phone) We'll have none of that, mister. (to Emma) How far did he get? Where'd he touch? Where'd he touch?

EMMA Nothing happened.

HOOK What the bloody hell was that noise?

SNOW (over phone) That was my Virgin Alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do. You get back to bed, miss.

EMMA I have a kid; you do realize it’s a little too late for your Virgin Alarm.

SNOW Not listening… not listening…  And as for you, pirate…

HOOK All right. All right. Let's all get some sleep. We have to get moving before dawn.

TINKERBELL Why so early?

HOOK Because, we're in the middle of the bloody jungle, and we're not going to get far if the lost ones find us here.

_Dissolve to next day._

TINKERBELL Nice dissolve.

_NEVERLAND JUNGLE - In the dim light HOOK is walking, followed by TINKERBELL, HENRY, then EMMA. They are all getting tired._

HENRY Water, water.

HOOK Rum....

TINK Pixie dust... pixie dust…

EMMA Yellow bug, yellow bug.

_DISSOLVE TO: Another part of the jungle. Plants look exactly the same._

_NEVERLAND JUNGLE - DAY - HOOK is carrying EMMA. TINKERBELL is carrying HENRY. EMMA and HENRY are asleep. HOOK and TINKERBELL are really tired._

TINKERBELL I can't, I can't, I can't go, I can't go any further. I can't go any further.

HOOK Just one more hill to go.

TINKERBELL Nope. you said that three hills ago. I got no more left. Oh, waiter, check please. (falls down)

HOOK Must go on. Must go on. Must go on. Oh who the bloody hell am I kidding? (drops Emma then falls down)

_The DINKS walk on the screen. They are mini Rumplestiltskins._

DINKS (sing) Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink....

_DINKS see HOOK, EMMA, TINKERBELL, and HENRY lying on the ground. They go to their aid._

HEAD DINK Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.

_DINKS split up and start giving water to EMMA, HOOK, TINKERBELL, and HENRY._

DINK (with Tinkerbell) Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink. Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.

_TINKERBELL’S WINGS start flapping._

DINK Dink, dink, dink, dink.

TINKERBELL Oh, thanks little guy. (starts drinking the water)

HOOK Thank you.

DINKS Dink, dink, dink.

HOOK Did I miss something? When did we get to Oz?

_HOOK, EMMA, HENRY, and TINKERBELL are being led by the DINKS to somewhere._

DINKS (sing) Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink,

dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink,

dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink,

dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.

_NEVERLAND JUNGLE – REGINA’S CARRIAGE - DAY REGINA and GRAHAM are in an open carriage. REGINA is standing up, looking through binoculars. She has a different costume with a different hairstyle._

REGINA I don't see them, Huntsman.

GRAHAM I've sent the troops on to Mermaid Lagoon, your majesty.

REGINA Good. Let's get moving.

GRAHAM Yes, ma’am. Driver, prepare to move out.

REGINA What are you preparing. You're always preparing. Just go!

GRAHAM Just go.

DRIVER Yes, sir.

GRAHAM Your majesty, shouldn't you sit down.

_The cruiser takes off, and REGINA is thrown in her seat._

_NEVERLAND JUNGLE  - DAY The DINKS are opening a secret door in the side of a tree, and lead HOOK, TINKERBELL, EMMA, and HENRY inside. They walk down a set of stairs._

_INT. TEMPLE - DAY_

DINKS Dink, dink, dink. Dink, dink, dink.

TINKERBELL What are they saying?

EMMA Well, it's obvious they want us to go with them.

_They start walking down a tunnel with a huge statue at the end._

EMMA What is this place?

TINKERBELL It looks like Skull Rock.

EMMA Complete with giant skull.

HOOK Come on. I think we'd better follow them.

_Steam starts coming out of the ears of the statue._

HENRY Uh-oh. I think we woke it up.

TINKERBELL Goodbye, folks. (turns around and starts running to the door) Let me know how it turns out.

EMMA Comeback here, Tink. We need you.

HOOK Come on, we’ve got to keep going, Tink.

EMMA What's gonna happen now?

HOOK Don't ask, love, maybe it won't.

TINKERBELL Well, what if it does? I don't about know about you, but I'm all for leaving. I think we ought to get outta here....

_Fire comes out of the statue's eyes._

HOOK, EMMA, HENRY, & TINKERBELL Wow!

RUMPLESTILTSKIN’S VOICE Silence! Who dares enter the sacred and awesome presence of the everlasting know-it-all, Rumplestiltskin?

HOOK, EMMA, HENRY, & TINKERBELL Rumplestiltskin?

_The bottom of the statue opens up. A small man with golden sparkly skin comes out._

RUMPLE You’ve heard of me?

HOOK (steps towards RUMPLE, his hand on his sword hilt) Aye, I bloody well have, _crocodile_ …

EMMA (in a whisper with a hand on his arm) Hook, we agreed to do this. Stop it.

HOOK As you wish, lass… (to RUMPLE) Heard of you? Who hasn't of _Rumplestiltskin_?

EMMA Rumplestiltskin, the wise.

_HOOK makes a gagging noise._

HENRY Rumplestiltskin, the all-powerful.

TINKERBELL Rumplestiltskin, the Dark One.

RUMPLE Please, please, don't make a fuss, dearies. I'm just plain Rumple.

HENRY But you're the one....

RUMPLE Yes, I am the keeper of a great magic. A power known throughout the universe....

TINKERBELL The force?

RUMPLE No. Magic. I said that.

HOOK, EMMA, HENRY, & TINKERBELL Magic?

RUMPLE Yes. And it always comes with a price.

_He waves his hand effeminately. His hand wave is different than the one REGINA uses._

HOOK But, _crocodile_ , what is this place? What is it that you do here?

RUMPLE Merchandising.

TINKERBELL Merchandising? What's that?

RUMPLE Merchandising, dearie. Come. I'll show. Open up this door.

_DINKS open a slab in the wall. In it, is a whole bunch of "Once Upon A Time-The Movie" merchandise._

RUMPLE Ha, ha, ha, come. Walk this way. Take a look. We put the picture’s name on everything. Merchandising. Merchandising. Where the real money from the movie is made. Once Upon A Time-the T-shirt, Once Upon A Time-the Coloring Book, Once Upon A Time-the Lunch box, Once Upon A Time-the Breakfast Cereal, Once Upon A Time-the Fire Ball Thrower. (turns it on)

DINKS Ooooooo.

RUMPLE The kids love this one. Last, but not least, Once Upon A Time- the Doll. (hold up a doll of himself) Me. (pulls on the string)

RUMPLESTILTSKIN DOLL Magic always comes with a price, dearie.

_DINKS giggle._

RUMPLE Adorable.

_WONDERLAND - INT. CORA’S BEDROOM - NIGHT - JIMINY CRICKET & JEFFERSON are in Cora’s bed, covered by "Once Upon A Time - the Sheet.” There is a large lump under the sheet and JIMINY CRICKET & JEFFERSON look disturbed._

_KNAVE OF HEARTS appears on the wall._

KNAVE Your majesty.

_JIMINY CRICKET & JEFFERSON hide under the sheet. CORA comes out from under it. She is holding a book upside-down._

CORA What is it?

KNAVE I have an urgent message from Regina. She's lost the princess.

CORA Where?

KNAVE Somewhere in the jungles of Neverland .

CORA Tell her to comb the jungle. Do you hear me? Comb the jungle.

KNAVE Yes, ma’am.

_NEVERLAND - MERMAID LAGOON - DAY Six GUARDS are moving large combs across the sand. REGINA and GRAHAM are in the cruiser._

GRAHAM Your majesty?

REGINA (in bullhorn) What?

GRAHAM Are we being too literal?

REGINA (in bullhorn) No, you fool. We're following orders. We were told to comb the jungle, so we're combing it.

_REGINA puts down the bullhorn and shouts to the GUARDS._

REGINA (shouts) Found anything yet?

GUARD WITH COMB Nothing yet, ma’am.

REGINA (shouts) How about you?

GUARD WITH 2ND COMB Not a thing, ma’am.

REGINA (shouts) What about you guys?

GUARD WITH MINI COMB We ain't found shit.

_INT. TEMPLE - DAY - RUMPLESTILTSKIN and HOOK are standing in front the big statue. HOOK has his arms crossed against his chest._

EMMA (O.S.) Just do it, Hook.

_HOOK reaches into his shirt and pulls out his medallion and shoves it at RUMPLESTILTSKIN._

HOOK  It's a big mystery. None of the wise men can tell me what it means.

RUMPLE And you expect me to help you, pirate?

BELLE (O.S.) Rumple…

RUMPLE Wise men, _hee hee_. Wise guys, you mean. What do they know? Here, let me take a look. (he grabs the medallion) Whuck, whuck, munuck, munck, muck, muck.

HOOK Are you choking, crocodile? That would be a bloody shame.

EMMA (O.S.) I swear to God, Hook…

HOOK You can read it?

RUMPLE No, I was just imitating the noise you will make when I rip your heart out and…

_HOOK draws his sword. EMMA runs on screen, takes the sword, and runs back off screen._

BELLE (O.S.) Rumple, be the bigger man. I know your heart is true…

EMMA (O.S.) Who thought this would be a good idea anyway?

TINKERBELL (O.S.) Exactly nobody.

HENRY (O.S.) Let’s just hope with us all standing right here they’ll get through the scene without killing each other.

BELLE (O.S.) Rumple, please just say your next line.

RUMPLE No, I was just clearing my throat. Here, let me take a look at this. Ohh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, of course.

HOOK You understand it?

RUMPLE Yes.

HOOK What's it say?

RUMPLE I cannot tell you that now. It will be revealed to you at the proper time.

HOOK Great. (puts the medallion back in his shirt) I should have known you’d be of no use, crocodile.

RUMPLE Oh, don't be disappointed. Back to your magic training. Today you will learn how to take a heart, and _crush it_. I’m sure you’re familiar. I know you’ve witnessed it done.

HOOK I will kill you with my bare hands, you _demon_.

_HOOK rushes at Rumple, arms outstretched, but EMMA runs on screen and tackles him to the ground. BELLE runs on and grabs RUMPLE and pulls him off screen. EMMA turns to the camera and waves her arms in front of her_

EMMA Cut. Cut! We’re just going to move on to the next scene. This isn’t going to happen.

_NEVERLAND JUNGLE - NIGHT REGINA is standing next to the secret door. She can't see it because it is covered in moss. GRAHAM is telling the troops what to do._

GRAHAM Keep searching. (to Regina) It's no use, your majesty. We've searched everywhere.

REGINA Wait. I feel the presence of magic.

GRAHAM Magic?

REGINA Yes. It's coming.... (closes her eyes and holds her hand out in front of her)

_GRAHAM covers his heart._

REGINA ....from somewhere right....there.

GRAHAM (bushes away the moss) You're right. There's a secret entrance here. And look at this insignia, it's an R.

REGINA  Rumplestiltskin. I hate Rumplestiltskin. Especially when he’s with Belle.

GRAHAM I'll call the attack squad.

REGINA No, we can't go in there. Rumplestiltskin has dark magic.

GRAHAM But, don't you have magic, too?

REGINA I do, but he is far too powerful.

GRAHAM Well, how are we gonna go in there and get her?

REGINA We will not go in there. She will come out to us.

_INT. TEMPLE - NIGHT EMMA is sleeping in a bed surrounded by candles._

CHARMING’S VOICE Emma. Emma, my child. Where are you?

EMMA (wakes up) Daddy?

CHARMING’S VOICE Emma, it's your father, Prince Charming. Come to me.

SNOW’S VOICE And me, your mother! I’m here too!

EMMA Daddy. Daddy, I hear you. I hear you. Where are you? (starts walking out the door)

CHARMING’S VOICE Follow my voice. Come to me. Come to me.

HENRY (wakes up) Mom, where are you going?

_NEVERLAND JUNGLE - NIGHT CHARMING is standing outside in the jungle._

CHARMING Emma, come to me.

EMMA (opens the door and walks through the jungle toward Charming) Daddy, is it really you?

CHARMING Yes, my dear. I guarantee it. Would I lie?

EMMA Daddy.

_HENRY walks out._

HENRY Oh, Mom, don't.

_When EMMA reaches to hug CHARMING, he turns into REGINA._

EMMA Ah! Ohhhhh. (Regina puts a spell on her and she falls unconscious into Regina’s arms)

GRAHAM (turns from SNOW back into himself) Fooled you. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

_CLAUDE grabs HENRY and REGINA puts a spell on him too._

REGINA Take them both into the carriage. When we arrive at the palace, put the princess in my chambers. (hands her to GRAHAM)

GRAHAM Yes ma’am. (walks off screen with EMMA)

REGINA Now she is mine.

_INT. TEMPLE - NIGHT - HOOK and TINKERBELL come from their room. The DINKS are dinking, "They've taken the princess."_

HOOK What are they saying?

BELLE (walks onscreen) They've taken the princess.

_HOOK does a double-take at her and then he and TINKERBELL run outside._

_NEVERLAND JUNGLE - NIGHT - EVIL REGAL 1 takes off towards the coast. HOOK and TINKERBELL just now get out the door._

HOOK Bloody hell, we’re too late.

TINKERBELL Don't worry, Hook. We'll get her back.

_COAST OF NEVERLAND – JOLLY ROGER - NIGHT - HOOK and TINKERBELL are getting ready to leave._

HOOK Thanks for the repairs, Rumplestiltskin.

_BELLE is dressed in a leather outfit and her face is painted gold._

BELLE AS RUMPLE You're welcome, and here. (throws a fortune cookie at Hook) Just in case you get hungry.

HOOK (catches it) What the bloody hell is this?

BELLE AS RUMPLE A fortune cookie. Remember, open it before you eat it.

HOOK Thanks. Well, we'd better get going. I wonder, we will we ever see each other again.

BELLE AS RUMPLE Who knows. God willing we'll all meet again in Once Upon A Time II: The Search for A Big Bad Not Related To Anybody. Good-bye, Hook.

HOOK Good-bye, Rumplestiltskin.

_HOOK and BELLE AS RUMPLE shake hands._

HOOK Wish me luck.

DINKS Dink, dink.

_HOOK and TINKERBELL climb aboard the JOLLY ROGER. It starts up and sets off into the ocean._

_INT. REGINA’S CASTLE – REGINA’S ROOM - REGINA is apparently talking to EMMA._

REGINA So, Princess Emma. At last, I have you in my clutches. To have my way with you. The way I want to.

_She is playing with dolls._

REGINA (imitating Emma) No. No, please, leave me alone. (normal voice) No you are mine. (imitating Hook) Not so fast, my sultry queen. (normal voice) Hook. (imitating Hook) Aye, it's me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hello, darling. (normal voice) Now you are going to die. (imitating Hook) Oh, oh, ohhhh. (imitating Tinkerbell) Hey, what did you do to my friend? (normal voice) The same thing I'm going to do to you, fairy. (imitating Tinkerbell) Oh, ohhh. (normal voice) And you, I will keep. But go to your room right now. (imitating Henry) Oh, ok. (normal voice) Now, Princess Emma, at last we are alone. (imitating Emma) No, no, I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Leave me alone....yet, I find you strangely attractive. (Regina voice) Of course you do. Anger and hatred always mask an underlying sexual tension. You want me, you know you want me. (imitating Emma) No, leave me alone. (normal voice) No, kiss me. (imitating Emma) No, yes, no, yes, yes, no, no, ah, oh, oh, oh, ah, ohh, I’ll never go back to men again.

_GRAHAM opens the door behind her._

GRAHAM Your majesty.

REGINA (holds all the dolls out of Graham’s sight) What?

GRAHAM You're needed in the throne room, ma’am.

REGINA Knock on my door. Knock next time.

GRAHAM Yes, your majesty.

REGINA Did you see anything?

GRAHAM No, ma’am. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.

REGINA Good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to AtOnceUponSomeChaos for betaing and giving me some great ideas.


	3. Chapter 3

_REGINA’S PALACE - INT. CORA’S BATHROOM - NIGHT - CORA is standing at the sink, brushing her teeth. Her back is to the camera. KNAVE OF HEARTS appears in the mirror in front of her._

KNAVE Your majesty.

CORA (spits toothpaste) Aaa. I told you never to call me on this mirror. This is an unlisted mirror.

KNAVE Sorry, ma’am, but it's very urgent. Princess Emma has just been brought to the throne room, and Regina and the Huntsman are awaiting you there.

CORA All right, all right. Tell them I'll be right there.

KNAVE Yes, your majesty.

_INT. THRONE ROOM - NIGHT - REGINA and GRAHAM are talking to CHARMING on the screen. Behind them is EMMA on a table turned vertically. Also there is DR. WHALE, RUBY, and IGOR._

CHARMING Regina, you monster, what's going on? What are you doing to my daughter?

REGINA Permit me to introduce the brilliant, young plastic surgeon, Dr. Viktor Frankenstein Whale. The best nose-job man in the entire Enchanted Forest and Emerald City.

WHALE Your highness.

CHARMING Nose-job? I don't understand. Her nose is perfect.

HOOK (O.S.) Aye, that it is, as is the rest of her...

SNOW (O.S.)  Shut up, Hook, you’re not in this scene...

HOOK (O.S.) Quite right, _milady_ … (loud thud) Ooof!

REGINA No, it's not what you think. It's much, much, worse. If you do not give me the combination to the shield, Dr. Whale will give your daughter (holds up picture) Grumpy’s nose.

EMMA Nooooooooooooooooooo. Why would you do that?

CHARMING All right, I'll tell. I'll tell.

EMMA No, daddy, no. You mustn't.

CHARMING You're right my dear. I'll miss your nose. But I will not tell them the combination no matter what.

REGINA Very well. Dr. Whale, do your worst.

WHALE My pleasure.

_The table turns horizontal. EMMA gets knocked out by gas._

CHARMING No, wait, wait. I'll tell. I'll tell.

REGINA I knew it would work.

_REGINA and GRAHAM go closer to the screen. GRAHAM is going to write the combination down._

REGINA All right, give to me.

CHARMING The combination is (hesitates) one.

REGINA One.

GRAHAM One. (writes)

CHARMING Two.

REGINA Two.

GRAHAM Two. (writes)

CHARMING Three.

REGINA Three.

GRAHAM Three (writes)

CHARMING Four.

REGINA Four.

GRAHAM Four. (writes)

CHARMING (hesitates) Five.

REGINA Five.

GRAHAM Five. (writes)

REGINA So the combination is one, two, three, four, five. That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life. That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage.

GRAHAM Thank you, your highness.

_GRAHAM takes a remote out of his pocket, points it at the wall, and hits a button. Instead of turning off the wall, he turns off the whole movie. A blank screen appears. RUBY is making sensual noises._

REGINA What'd you do?

GRAHAM I turned off the wall.

REGINA No you didn't. You turned off the whole movie.

GRAHAM Well I must have pressed the wrong button.

REGINA Well, turn it back on. Put the movie back on.

GRAHAM Yes, your majesty. Yes, your majesty.

_The screen comes back on. REGINA and GRAHAM are standing in front. WHALE is kissing on RUBY’S breasts. She is still making sensual noises._

REGINA We gotta get that thing fixed. We're back, and we have the combination. Whale.

WHALE (turns around) What?

_RUBY zips up her dress._

REGINA We're done with you. Go back to the lab and work on your… _science_.

WHALE Let's go Igor. Come Ruby. Of course, you know, I'll still have to bill you for this.

_WHALE, IGOR, and RUBY walk out the door. RUBY eyes GRAHAM before she walks out._

GRAHAM I’d love to hunt through _her_ forest.

_CORA walks in with CLAUDE._

CORA Well, did it work? Where's the prince?

REGINA It worked. We have the combination.

CORA Great. Now we can break into their realm and send in our curse. What's the combination?

GRAHAM One, two, three, four, five.

CORA One, two, three, four, five?

CLAUDE That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage.

CORA Prepare Evil Regal 1 for immediate departure.

GRAHAM Yes, your majesty.

_CORA, GRAHAM, CLAUDE and REGINA start walking out the door._

CORA  And change the combination on your luggage.

_REGINA walks through the door. The door closes on her._

REGINA Aaaaaa.

_REGINA’S PALACE - EXT. JOLLY ROGER - NIGHT - HOOK and TINKERBELL are at the helm. HOOK is steering._

TINKERBELL There it is. Regina’s Palace straight ahead.

HOOK Good. I'm taking her in.

_REGINA’S PALACE - EXT. DUNGEON ENTRANCE - NIGHT - JOLLY ROGER (with Pegasus Sail unfurled) lands on the road. It is a no parking zone. SNEEZY and HAPPY are standing at the door, dressed as guards._

SNEEZY What the hell is that thing?

HAPPY It looks like a pirate ship with wheels.

SNEEZY Jeez. Hey you can't park here.

HAPPY Yeah, can't you guys read: No parking.

_TINKERBELL leans over the railing and flips them off. She also makes kissing noises._

SNEEZY That fairy piece of.... (cocks gun)

_SNEEZY and HAPPY climb the side of the ship._

SNEEZY All right, hands up. You're under arrest for illegal parking.

HAPPY Yeah.

_They hop over the railing and disappear on board. The JOLLY ROGER starts rocking back and forth. SNEEZY and HAPPY are shouting. Afterwards, HOOK and TINKERBELL lower the gangplank and walk down dressed in the guard uniforms. TINKERBELL’S has a cutout in the back for her wings to stick out. They walk to the door. HOOK unlocks the door with the key on the uniform. They walk in._

_INT. DUNGEON - NIGHT - HOOK and TINKERBELL walk down a hall. They notice SLEEPY walking down the hall towards them, dressed as a guard. HOOK and TINKERBELL stand against the wall. SLEEPY walks past them. HOOK and TINKERBELL start walking the way they were going. SLEEPY looks back at them. He notices TINKERBELL’S WINGS. He looks forward again._

SLEEPY Nah.

_INT. DUNGEON - ROYAL PRISONS - NIGHT - HOOK and TINKERBELL walk in. They notice a sign above the doorway. It says, "ROYAL PRISONERS ONLY. MAXIMUM SECURITY."_

HOOK She must be in one of these cells.

TINKERBELL Yeah, but which one.

_They search in each door. They open the eye slot on each door they look through._

TINKERBELL No.

HOOK No.

EMMA (O.S.) (sings in deep voice) Nobody knows....

HOOK It's coming from there.

TINKERBELL That can't be her.

_HOOK and TINKERBELL walk towards the cell EMMA’S singing is coming from._

EMMA (O.S.) (sings in deep voice) ....the trouble I've seen.

_HOOK opens the eye slot. He finds EMMA inside. HENRY is sitting next to her._

EMMA (sings in deep voice) Nobody knows but Jesus.

HOOK It's her.

TINKERBELL looks in.

EMMA (sings in deep voice) Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.

TINKERBELL She's a bass.

EMMA (sings in deep voice) Glory hallelujah.

_HOOK opens the door with the key he used to open the front door. He and TINKERBELL walk in. The door closes on TINKERBELL’S WINGS._

TINKERBELL Hieee.

EMMA What do you want?

HOOK (takes off guard helmet) It's me.

TINKERBELL (takes off guard helmet) It's us.

EMMA Hook! How'd you find us?

HOOK No time to talk, love. Come on.

TINKERBELL We gotta move.

HENRY Tink. How'd you do it?

_HOOK pulls EMMA out of the cell. TINKERBELL follows with HENRY. They sneak out of the hall._

_REGINA’S PALACE - INT. DUNGEON - INNER HALLS - NIGHT - HOOK, EMMA, TINKERBELL, and HENRY start to run for the front door. HOOK stops._

SNEEZY (O.S) Freeze!

_SNEEZY and HAPPY are standing in the hall with their swords. They are in their underwear._

SNEEZY Those are the guys that stole our uniforms. (holds swords out)

HAPPY And beat the shit out of us, too. (holds sword out)

_HOOK draws his sword. He swings it at SNEEZY and HAPPY. The dwarves run off. A rain of arrows comes from another hall._

HOOK Uh-oh, we got company.

_HOOK kneels down and crawls over to the opposite wall. EMMA, TINKERBELL, and HENRY follow. TINKERBELL fires arrows at the guards that are firing at them._

TINKERBELL Dammit. That's our only way out.

EMMA We're trapped!

HENRY Oh, I hate these movies.

_TINKERBELL keeps firing at the troopers and eventually throws her bow down._

TINKERBELL I'm outta arrows.

HOOK Get back. I'll hold 'em off.

_The GUARDS keep firing at HOOK, who knocks the arrows out of the air with his sword._ TINKERBELL I got an idea.

_TINKERBELL walks over to a quad-pipe loop. HOOK stops moving and stands up._

HOOK What are you doing?

TINKERBELL starts to pull out the pipes.

HENRY What's she doing?

_TINKERBELL pulls out half of the pipes. She takes it to the hallway where the arrows are coming from. She faces the openings to the GUARDS. The GUARDS fire at TINKERBELL. The arrows go into the pipes. They enter the top and exit the bottom. All the arrows hit each GUARD.  When each GUARD is hit, they fall down._

HOOK Good work.

_Arrows come out of another hall._

HOOK Uh-oh, more trouble. Run for it.

TINKERBELL Let's go.

_TINKERBELL starts running down a hall. HOOK starts running. EMMA and HENRY start running._

EMMA It's closing.

_A door in front of them starts closing vertically._

EMMA The door is closing.

HOOK Go for the door.

_HOOK, TINKERBELL, HENRY, and EMMA jump through the door just before it closes._

_REGINA’S PALACE - INT. BANQUET ROOM - NIGHT - CLAUDE and other GUARDS come in through another door. HOOK, TINKERBELL, EMMA, and HENRY start to get up._

CLAUDE Don't move, or you're dead! Stand up! Huntsman, we've got them!

_GRAHAM walks in behind them._

GRAHAM Spectacular stunt, my friends, but all for naught. Turn around please.

_HOOK, TINKERBELL, EMMA, and HENRY turn around. They are the stunt doubles of HOOK, TINKERBELL, EMMA, and HENRY._

GRAHAM Ha. What a pity. What a pity. So, Princess, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of....

_GRAHAM looks at EMMA with his mouth open. EMMA’S STUNT DOUBLE is a man with a cigar in his mouth._

GRAHAM You idiots! These are not them. You've captured their stunt doubles! Search the area. Find them! Find them!

_REGINA’S PALACE - EXT. DUNGEON ENTRANCE - NIGHT The real TINKERBELL, HOOK, EMMA, and HENRY come out of the DUNGEON. TINKERBELL is firing arrows at GUARDS that follow them out the door. An arrow hits the gangplank of the JOLLY ROGER, splintering it. TINKERBELL runs over and  tries to get it to prop up against the ship, but it just keeps falling._

EMMA Put up the gangplank.

TINKERBELL I can't. It's broken.

EMMA Well, what are we going to do?

TINKERBELL We have another one.

EMMA Where?

TINKERBELL Aboard the ship.

EMMA Oh, great!

HOOK Duck!

_TINKERBELL, HENRY, and EMMA lean against the JOLLY ROGER. HOOK runs back towards the broken gangplank. He hands EMMA his sword._

HOOK Here, hold them off, would you, love. I’ll climb aboard and haul you up..

EMMA What am I going to do with this?

_A GUARD fires an arrow at them. It nicks Henry’s shoulder._

HENRY Ah.

EMMA My kid. He shot my kid. That son of a bitch. (grabs TINKERBELL’S bow and quiver full of arrows)

_EMMA walks toward the GUARDS. She starts firing arrows rapidly and hits every one of them. TINKERBELL and HOOK stare at her._

HOOK Bloody hell.

EMMA How was that?

HOOK Bloody brilliant, amazing.

TINKERBELL Not bad for a girl from the Land Without Magic.

HENRY Hey, that was pretty good for Robin Hood.

EMMA Now let’s go home.

_EXT. REGINA’S PALACE There are footsteps running somewhere in the palace._

_INT. REGINA’S PALACE - GRAHAM is running through the hall towards REGINA and CORA._

GRAHAM (O.S.) Your majesties! Your majesties!

GRAHAM (stops running) The castle is too big. If I walk, the movie would be over.

REGINA Graham?

GRAHAM Yes? Oh right. Claude has just contacted me on the mirror network. He’s reached the Charming’s shield and deactivated it.

_GRAHAM points at a picture in the magic mirror._

REGINA There it is: The Palace of Snow White and Prince Charming.

CORA Ah, the Charming’s palace, look well, for it will soon be gone.        

GRAHAM We're just need one more ingredient for the curse.

CORA Good. Get on with it.

REGINA We need _your_ heart, mother.

CORA What? I’m flattered that you think I’m the one you love most, but you should use his.

GRAHAM Mine?

REGINA I don’t love him, mother.

GRAHAM What?

CORA Oh, I thought you two were…

REGINA We are…

CORA I see… Well you can’t have mine. I’ve hidden it.

REGINA Well maybe you should just cast the curse then.

CORA (laughs) It’s been a long time since I’ve loved anything.

REGINA Ouch.

GRAHAM I hate to break up this lovely family moment, but could one of the two of you emotionally damaged ladies pick someone?

_CORA reaches into GRAHAM’S chest and grabs his heart but doesn’t pull it out yet. GRAHAM gasps._

REGINA Mother, if it didn’t work with Rocinante’s heart, it certainly won’t work with his.

CORA We can always try.

GRAHAM (in strained voice) How about we don’t?

CORA (removes hand from GRAHAM’S chest) Well, we need to use _someone’s_ heart.

GRAHAM How about you each take the heart of something you kind of love, (holds out his hand as CORA reaches for him again) not me! And maybe that will add up to enough?

REGINA (shrugs) Couldn’t hurt.

CORA Let’s go cast this curse.

_EXT. JOLLY ROGER – DOCKED BY CHARMING CASTLE - HOOK, TINKERBELL, EMMA, and HENRY are standing by the wheel._

HOOK Look. (Points at purple smoke rolling slowly towards them and the castle.

HENRY It’s the curse!

TINKERBELL But how is it going to get past the shield.

EMMA What's happening? It passed right by where the shield should have been.

TINKERBELL Oh my gosh. They must have figured out your father’s passcode!   

_CHARMING PALACE - INT. – CHARMING’S ROOM - DAY - CHARMING is looking out the window at the curse rolling in. A single tear travels down his cheek._

CHARMING Goodbye, little Emma. My little girl, Emma. (puts his head in his arms on the table)

_EXT. JOLLY ROGER – DOCKED BY CHARMING CASTLE_

EMMA The curse, it's almost here.

HOOK We must act fast. Step 1, we reverse the curse; step 2, we destroy Cora and Regina so they cannot recast it.

EMMA But isn't that dangerous?

HOOK Extremely, plus, I don't know how the blazes we're going to do it.

TINKERBELL What about True Love’s Kiss?

_HOOK and EMMA look at each other._

HOOK But....that alarm…

_HENRY takes EMMA’S phone and pointedly shuts it off, grinning at HOOK and EMMA_

TINKERBELL C'mon, guys, give it a shot.

HOOK Okay.

EMMA Okay.

_HOOK and EMMA stare at each other for a moment before grabbing each other and kissing each other’s faces off._

_EXT. CHARMING’S PALACE The curse looks like it hits a wall and starts billowing back into itself._

TINKERBELL (O.S.) Look at that. Wow.

HENRY (O.S.) It....it's working.

TINKERBELL (O.S.) C'mon guys. Ok, it worked, you can stop now. Guys. You can stop. Guys? _Guys_?

HENRY (O.S.) Let’s go down into the galley and find something to eat.

_INT. REGINA’S PALACE_

REGINA Mother, what's going on?

CORA Graham, what's going on?

GRAHAM It's the curse. Somehow it’s been broken before it even hit.  

_REGINA and CORA react._

REGINA What? They're getting all their happy endings? (to Cora) Do something.

CORA (to Graham) Do something.

GRAHAM (in microphone) Do something.

_INT. PALACE – CHARMING’S ROOM - DAY - CHARMING lifts his head up._

CHARMING I'm still here. I’m still me. Snow. Snow!

SNOW Still right here.


	4. Chapter 4

_EXT. REGINA’S PALACE – JOLLY ROGER IS DOCKED._

_INT. REGINA’S PALACE - HOOK, TINKERBELL, EMMA and HENRY walk through a hallway carrying lanterns._

HOOK Dim the lights, love.

TINKERBELL Dimming the lights. (She blows out her torch as does EMMA and HENRY)

HOOK Use the pixie dust.

TINKERBELL Using the pixie dust. (throws pixie dust which lights the corridor)

HOOK Pray to God.

TINKERBELL Praying to God.

HENRY Careful. Careful.

EMMA So what are we doing?

TINKERBELL Following the pixie dust. There's gotta be a self-destruct curse somewhere in the deepest bowels of the palace.

_The pixie dust glows brighter._

HOOK I think we just found it.

EMMA Where?

HOOK The pixie dust will lead us there.

TINKERBELL There it is. It's right down that way.

HOOK I'm going down there. (walks toward the door)

TINKERBELL He's going down there.

EMMA I’ll come.

HOOK Emma, you must stay with Henry. Tink will get you home if I don’t come back.

_HOOK walks down the corridor, which opens into another one that is better lit. He finally reaches a door that is surrounded by pixie dust and slowly enters. Inside on the far wall is a shelf with a vial in it. A note lies next to it that reads, “To Enact Self Destruct Curse, Break Vial”_

_HOOK takes the card off the shelf, reads it, and tosses it away. He reaches for the vial._

GRAHAM Not so fast, Hook. (walks in)

HOOK Huntsman. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time. (thinks about what he said) Aye.

GRAHAM Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Hook.

HOOK What’s that, mate?

GRAHAM I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.

HOOK What does that make us, exactly?

GRAHAM Absolutely nothing. Which is what you are about to become. Prepare to die.

_GRAHAM draws his sword. HOOK does as well._

GRAHAM I see your sword is as big as mine.

_Both look at their blades._

HOOK Aye. The better to be felt when I jab… well, you know...

GRAHAM You’re all talk, Hook. Let's see how well you can actually handle it.

HOOK Oh, I’ll _handle_ it. But I would much prefer to have the lovely Swan do so…

EMMA (O.S.) _Hook…!_

HOOK Something that _you_ never managed, mate.

_GRAHAM runs at HOOK and starts to fight with him. They swipe at each other with their swords. GRAHAM pulls back a little too far and knocks off the sound manager from the stage crew. He screams and falls off a ledge. HOOK and GRAHAM stop fighting._

GRAHAM Ummm, he did it.

HOOK What?

_HOOK swipes at GRAHAM. GRAHAM blocks it. They start fighting again. They swipe at each other and HOOK spins away, but his necklace flies out and it gets caught in the buttons of GRAHAM’S shirt._

HOOK Well this is awkward.

GRAHAM Okay, maybe if I unbutton this a little further we can split apart.

_GRAHAM unbuttons his shirt as HOOK tries to untangle his necklace._

GRAHAM Almost have it. There!

_GRAHAM and HOOK pull away from each other. Their swords are at their sides. GRAHAM looks up and points his sword at HOOK. HOOK does the same and points his at GRAHAM. They move in closer. Their swords touch ends. HOOK swipes at GRAHAM’S head. Graham sidesteps. He tries again, same. He tries again, same. GRAHAM knocks the sword out of HOOK’S hand and laughs at him. HOOK punches GRAHAM’S face. GRAHAM drops his sword. He charges at HOOK. HOOK holds him back with his hand on GRAHAM’S head. GRAHAM takes swings at HOOK several times. HOOK lets go of GRAHAM. GRAHAM runs into a locker. HOOK goes and retrieves his sword._

GRAHAM So, Hook, the Dark One has taught you well. If there is one thing I despise, it is a fair fight. But if I must then I must. May the best man win. Put 'er there. (offers to shake his hand)

_HOOK sheaths his sword and goes to shake his hand. GRAHAM takes the sword out of HOOK’S scabbard._

GRAHAM Your sword! I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book. What a goof. What's with you man? Come on. You know what? No, here let me give it back to you. (offers the sword back)

_HOOK goes up to get the sword back. GRAHAM throws it up onto a high ledge. HOOK tries to reach it but can’t._

GRAHAM Oh, look. You fell for that, too. I can't believe it man.

_HOOK glares at GRAHAM._

GRAHAM So, Hook, now you see that I will always triumph because Sensitive Hunter Whose Heart Has Been Stolen is way hotter than One Handed Pirate With A Drinking Problem.

HOOK glances off screen.

HOOK I’m fairly certain that’s not the line, mate.

_GRAHAM fires an arrow at HOOK. HOOK dodges. GRAHAM tries again. HOOK dodges, spinning away so his coat flares out. GRAHAM tries again. HOOK jumps out of the way and backs into the corner._

GRAHAM Very impressive, pirate. Too bad this isn't Dancing with the Stars.

RUMPLESTILTSKIN’S VOICE Keep trying, Huntsman. You almost had him the last time.

HOOK Bloody hell.

RUMPLESTILTSKIN’S VOICE Ooof.

BELLE’S VOICE (imitating RUMPLE) Use your training, Hook.

HOOK I can't. I lost my sword.

BELLE’S VOICE (O.S. imitating RUMPLE) Forget your sword. You have a _hook_ ; use it.

HOOK Ahh. Too right, lass. Uh. I mean, too right, Rumplestiltskin.

GRAHAM Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals on the Jolly Roger.

_GRAHAM fires another arrow at HOOK. HOOK knocks it out of the air with his hook and then charges at GRAHAM, slashing down towards the Huntsman’s shoulder with his hook. GRAHAM jumps back and falls into the self-destruct vial, casting the curse._

SIDNEY’S VOICE Thank you for casting the self-destruct curse. This palace will self-destruct in three minutes.

HOOK (to GRAHAM) Leave the innuendos to me, crybaby.

_HOOK runs out of the room._

_INT. REGINA’S PALACE An alarm starts going off. Red lights start flashing. CORA and REGINA react._

CORA What's going on? Where the hell are we, Paris?

SIDNEY’S VOICE Thank you for casting the self-destruct curse. This palace will self-destruct in exactly two minutes and forty-five seconds.

CORA You've got to stop it. Is there any way to stop it?

REGINA I can't. It's irreversible.

CORA Like my raincoat.

REGINA (in microphone) Attention. This is your Queen. Evacuate the palace! Evacuate the palace!

_Everyone in the palace starts to panic and run like crazy._

REGINA Mother, Mother, you've got to help me. I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm royalty!

SIDNEY’S VOICE This is your two minute warning. This palace will self-destruct in exactly two minutes.

_INT. REGINA’S PALACE – A DARK HALLWAY_

EMMA What's happening? Where is he? Where is he?

HOOK (runs in) Hey, beautiful. We've got a minute and forty before the end of the world. Let’s go!

_EXT. PALACE DOCKS - HOOK, EMMA, TINKERBELL and HENRY run out of the palace towards the Jolly Roger. Two troopers come out after them with bows and arrows. They start firing._

_ABOARD JOLLY ROGER_

HOOK Hold on and get ready to set sail. There’s bumpy seas ahead.

TINKERBELL Hurry up, Hook.

HOOK Deploy the Pegasus.

TINKERBELL Deploying the Pegasus.

_JOLLY ROGER takes off into the sky._

_INT. REGINA’S PALACE - GRAHAM runs to the first escape carriage. CORA follows him. He looks in the first carriage._

GRAHAM Hey, get outta there. Where do you think you're going?

FELIX Pan never fails! (laughs)

_FELIX whips the reins and the carriage takes off. REGINA walks to another escape carriage. CLAUDE is getting into it._

REGINA Hey, hey, that's my carriage.

CLAUDE Sorry, your majesty, but I don’t _have the heart_ to allow you along.

_CLAUDE shoves REGINA away from the carriage and takes off. REGINA looks after the carriage._

REGINA   No. I’ll crush your heart, Claude.

SIDNEY’S VOICE This palace will self-destruct in twenty seconds. This is your last chance to cast the counter curse.

CORA Counter curse? Hurry.

_They all run down the hall to the throne room. They run to the wall of shelves which contains many vials._

REGINA Where is it? Where is it?

CORA It must be here.

_REGINA pulls a box off one of the shelves. She opens it to reveal a vial and a note. On the note it says, "NEED SAVIOR TO ENACT."_

GRAHAM We need the savior?

REGINA What the hell kind of nonsense is that?

SIDNEY’S VOICE This palace will self-destruct in exactly ten seconds.

CORA, REGINA, and GRAHAM react. They scrunch up together.

SIDNEY’S VOICE Counting down. Ten, nine, eight, six....

CORA Six? What happened to seven?

SIDNEY’S VOICE Just kidding.

_CORA, REGINA, and GRAHAM react._

SIDNEY’S VOICE ....five, four, three, two, one. Have a nice day.

CORA, REGINA, & GRAHAM Thank you.

_EXT. REGINA’S PALACE - PALACE explodes. The JOLLY ROGER just clears the blast radius._

EMMA (O.S.) We did it!

_EXT. JOLLY ROGER - AIR - EMMA hugs TINKERBELL. HENRY is dancing. HOOK is cheering. EMMA turns to hug HOOK. They lean in to kiss, but they stop._

HOOK We all did it.

_INT. JOLLY ROGER - MORNING - HOOK and TINKERBELL are listening to the news on a radio_

VOICE ON RADIO ....so I guess you might call that a case of man bites dwarf. (laughs) On a happier note, Peter Pan (famed half-man, half-boy) was banished to Neverland with his life partner Felix after Felix said “Pan Never Fails” one too many times to the Blue Fairy. Evidently, Blue has a particular loathing for obnoxious catch phrases. Coming up, Pongo's review of the new dog park in New London.

_TINKERBELL claps and turns off the radio._

TINKERBELL Did you hear that? Pan got banished back to Neverland. Now we don't have to pay him the million gold doubloons. We can keep it for ourselves.

HOOK Yeah.

_EXT. PALACE - DAY - JOLLY ROGER is docked outside._

_INT. PALACE - THRONE ROOM - DAY - GRUMPY opens the door to let EMMA, HOOK, TINKERBELL, and HENRY in. EMMA runs to CHARMING._

EMMA Daddy. (hugs Charming) Oh, daddy.

CHARMING Emma, my darling. I thought I'd never see you again. Oh, my sweet little daughter. I'm so happy that you’re home and safe.

SNOW And Emma, here's someone else who's happy to see you. SNOW reveals NEAL asleep in a chair. CHARMING hits NEAL. NEAL wakes up.

NEAL Oh, hello. (yawns) Where've you been?

_EXT. JOLLY ROGER - STORYBROOKE - JOLLY ROGER is docked in the Storybrooke harbor._

_INT. DINER - STORYBROOKE - RUBY is talking to GRANNY._

_HOOK and TINKERBELL walk in. They sit at the bar. RUBY walks towards them. She gives them water._

RUBY (to Tinkerbell) Hi, fairy. (to Hook) Hi, sexy. (to both) What'll you have?

HOOK We only have a few minutes while some repairs are made on my ship, love. What's ready?

RUBY I can give you the soup or the special.

TINKERBELL Ummmmm, I'll have the special.

RUBY Okay. (writes the order)

HOOK I'll have you, darling, every which…

_TINKERBELL hits his arm_

HOOK I’ll have the soup.

RUBY Okay, I have one special and one soup.

_RUBY walks away to another table._

_Some people are sitting at the other end of the bar. JEFFERSON is sitting with the MARCH HARE and the DOOR MOUSE. MARCH HARE is telling a story. JEFFERSON is eating._

MARCH HARE We were sitting there, just drinking our tea as usual. And then Jefferson began laughing like a mad man. And then he says, “Question, lads: How _is_ a raven like a writing desk?” And we said, "Hatty, nobody knows the answer to that!" And he said, "Poe wrote on both, you dummies!” (laughs) “Poe wrote on both!” (laughs)

_JEFFERSON starts to act like he's choking on his food. Then he grabs his stomach like he has indigestion._

DOOR MOUSE Is he all right?

MARCH HARE Well, he’s not all left.

DOOR MOUSE What’s he eaten?

MARCH HARE The very best butter.

JEFFERSON (spits out some of his food) There were crumbs in it!

_MARCH HARE and DOOR MOUSE lie him down on the counter. HOOK and TINKERBELL look and react._

MARCH HARE He should not have sat down without being invited.

_DOOR MOUSE falls asleep on the counter. MARCH HARE elbows him awake._

DOOR MOUSE I wasn’t asleep! Bring him some tea!

_JEFFERSON convulses on the counter._

TINKERBELL Waitress! Waitress, what did he order?

_RUBY comes over to TINKERBELL. She looks over at JEFFERSON._

RUBY Oh, he had the special.

TINKERBELL The spec.... That's what I ordered. Change my order to the soup.

HOOK Good move, lass.

_JEFFERSON begins to shrink._

JEFFERSON Oh, no. Not again.

_As JEFFERSON shrinks, he changes as well, into a cartoonish old man with a big nose, blue bowtie and green hat with a card on it that reads “In This Style 10/6”. (He has become the MAD HATTER in tiny form) He begins to dance his way across the bar_

TINY MAD HATTER A very Merry Unbirthday to you, to you. A very Merry Unbirthday to you, to you..

_TINY MAD HATTER dances past HOOK and TINKERBELL. HOOK and TINKERBELL react._

TINY MAD HATTER It’s great to drink to someone and I guess that you will do. A very Merry Unbirthday to you!

_TINY MAD HATTER goes through doors in the wall. The doors close behind him. HOOK and TINKERBELL stand up._

HOOK and TINKERBELL Check please.

_EXT. CHAPEL - DAY The sign outside says, "TODAY, THE ROYAL WEDDING OF PRINCESS EMMA TO PRINCE NEAL, TAKE TWO."_

_INT. CHAPEL - DAY - CHARMING and EMMA are standing next to each other. HENRY is behind EMMA. GRUMPY walks in._

GRUMPY Five minutes to magic time.

CHARMING Are you alright, Emma? You look a little flighty.

EMMA Don't worry about me, Father. I'm completely over him. Ha, didn't even stay for the wedding. Just grabbed his million gold doubloons and ran.

CHARMING He didn't take the million.

EMMA He didn't?

CHARMING No. He just took two hundred and forty-eight gold doubloons for lunch and tolls.

_JOLLY ROGER - OCEAN_

TINKERBELL I still can't believe you turned down the gold. At least we could've stayed for the wedding feast. I'm starving. Have you got anything to eat?

HOOK Nah. Oh, wait. Belle gave me that fortune cookie. (gets the cookie out of his satchel) Here, love. (hands it to Tinkerbell)

TINKERBELL (takes it) Wow, thanks. I'll split it with you.

HOOK No thanks, darling.

TINKERBELL Okay.

_TINKERBELL opens the cookie. A stream of gold glitter comes out of the cookie and flies over the doorway. HOOK and TINKERBELL react. The stream stops at the doorway. It turns into RUMPLESTILTSKIN. He has gold glittery streams coming out of him. Behind him, Belle is holding his dagger._

TINKERBELL Rumplestiltskin.

HOOK Crocodile…

RUMPLE (in a monotone) Well, you opened your fortune cookie, so here's your fortune. Pirate, you know that medallion that you wear around your neck, but you don't know what it means?

_HOOK takes the medallion out of his shirt._

RUMPLE Well, here's what it means: it's a royal birth certificate. Yes. Your father was a king. Your mother was a queen. Which makes you a certified prince.

HOOK I'm a prince? Which means....

RUMPLE Which means, if you hurry, you can steal my son’s love the same as you did mine.

BELLE Rumple…

HOOK Would you just disappear off my ship, _crocodile_?

TINKERBELL Bye, Rumplestiltskin. Thanks.

RUMPLE _You're_ welcome. The pirate can go impale himself on his sword for all I care.

_BELLE sighs and the vision of them disappears._

HOOK Tink, set a course for Charming’s castle.

TINKERBELL You got it… your highness.

HOOK Hang on to your wings, fairy. We’re about to break up a wedding.

_NEVERLAND JUNGLE - DAY A spire from REGINA’S CASTLE falls toward the jungle. CORA, REGINA, and GRAHAM are screaming. The head crashes by the entrance to Rumplestiltskin’s Temple. Rumplestiltskin and Belle are sitting outside the door on lawn chairs, sipping drinks._

RUMPLE Dearie, what are those things coming out of that flying building?

BELLE looks through binoculars.

REGINA Hey, hey, watch my hair.

_BELLE stops looking in the binoculars._

BELLE Evil Regals?

RUMPLE Shit, there goes the realm.

_INT. CHAPLE - ALTAR - DAY - FRIAR TUCK is conducting the wedding ceremony._

FRIAR TUCK Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together (pause) again....

EMMA (to Charming) Why didn't you tell me he didn't take the money?

CHARMING I didn't think it was important.

FRIAR TUCK May I continue, please?

CHARMING Besides, he asked me not to tell you.

FRIAR TUCK Thank you. ....to join Princess Emma and Prince Contrivance. I'm sorry, I mean... Prince Neal in the bonds of holy matrimony.

EMMA I see it all now. Don't you see he loves me?

FRIAR TUCK Excuse me, I'm trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love. Please be quiet.

EMMA I'm sorry.

CHARMING I'm sorry.

NEAL I'm sorry, too.

FRIAR TUCK Don't be sorry, be quiet.

EMMA, CHARMING, & NEAL I'm sorry.

FRIAR TUCK ....to join Princess Emma and Prince Neal in the bonds of holy....

_There is a giant crash outside_

FRIAR TUCK ....moly.

_AUDIENCE reacts._

FRIAR TUCK Matrimony.

EMMA That's him. I know it's him. He's come back.

FRIAR TUCK That's it. We're gonna take no more chances and to do it with the short version. (faster) Do you Prince Neal take Princess Emma to be your lawfully wedded wife.

NEAL (yawns) Uh-huh.

FRIAR TUCK (fast) Princess Emma, do you take Prince Neal to be your lawfully wedded husband.

EMMA Uh....well....I suppose. Oh, I don't know.

_HOOK and TINKERBELL walk in the doorway behind everybody._

HOOK No, she bloody well doesn't.

FRIAR TUCK What?

_ALL react. HOOK and TINKERBELL walk down the aisle. He stops half way._

FRIAR TUCK Who the hell are you?

HOOK Prince Killian.

EMMA _Prince_?

CHARMING _Killian_?

HOOK Aye, lass. I just found out. That's what this says. I'm an honest to God prince. Will you marry me?

EMMA Well, let me think about it. (pushes Neal) Yes.

_HOOK walks onto the altar._

FRIAR TUCK I'm sick of this. I don't give a damn who it is, but I'm gonna marry somebody today. (to Tinkerbell) Who are you?

TINKERBELL I'm the best fairy.

FRIAR TUCK What's your name?

TINKERBELL Tink.

FRIAR TUCK Your full name.

TINKERBELL Tinkerbell.

FRIAR TUCK Are the one getting married?

TINKERBELL No.

FRIAR TUCK Then get over there.

_TINKERBELL reacts and moves to the left of the altar._

FRIAR TUCK Okay. Here we go, the short-short version. (to Hook) Do you?

HOOK Aye.

FRIAR TUCK Do you?

EMMA Yes.

FRIAR TUCK Good. You're married. Kiss her.

HOOK I love you.

EMMA I know.

_HOOK and EMMA kiss. AUDIENCE applauds. TINKERBELL starts to cry._

SNOW Well, (sniff) goodbye, Virgin Alarm.

_EXT. JOLLY ROGER - OCEAN - JOLLY ROGER leaves dock for the open ocean. It has, "JUST MARRIED" written on the back. There is a stream of gold glitter behind. They form the words, "TRUE LOVE MAGIC NEVER COMES WITH A PRICE."_

_ROLL MAIN CAST and CREDITS._

_THE END_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my wonderful beta AtOnceUponSomeChaos who not only can quote the entire Spaceballs movie, but also was able to keep me honest to both fandoms.


End file.
